Have you ever been in a situation where someone believes that you owe them something? A situation where someone has decided that they know what is best for you, without even asking you? They think you should be grateful for the things they do or say. They think that you are in their debt for something they did, or for something they think they did and that you need to repay that debt. There is even the idea that they are doing something for your own good!
They tell you that you aren’t grateful and you aren’t appreciative of all that they do for you. They did the things they did because you needed them to do it for you. They insist that no one knows you like they know you so they are the qualified decision maker in the relationship. They insist that your way isn’t valid, that it is wrong and not okay, that it needs to be re-evaluated and changed. You need to be guided! You need to be lead! You seriously cannot be serious when you are making that choice because that is not like you at all!
But here is my question: What if you never even asked for their help?
What if you didn’t expect anything from them, ever? What if they assumed you needed help and did something based on that assumption? Is that, then, your problem? Do you owe them for anything? If the other is writing a script and decides you should follow what has been written, should you?
I think not.
Sometimes, the most compassionate thing you can do is say NO. Saying NO is a compassionate act for you and for the other person. By saying NO, you create a new reality for both of you. By saying NO, you turn onto the unexpected path that the other person never even believed you could travel. By saying NO, your desire becomes a raging fire…burning away the bullshit and igniting your dreams and desires. You become like you because you are YOU.Whether it fits the personality script they wrote for you or not!
The other person might (most likely will) argue with you. They will do their best to extinguish your flaming NO. They will start an old dialogue, probably dialogue that has been used countless times between the two of you before. They will tell you that you can’t travel that path because you aren’t brave enough or smart enough! You can’t do that without help (mainly theirs)! They will tell you they never said you couldn’t do it but that they just said it would be better done another way! OR, they won’t acknowledge your emancipation at ALL. Radio silence. Then, remarkably, you hear (usually from other people you are both in a relationship with) how your flaming NO created horrible things for them because really, it is all about them in the end.
The NO creates new possibilities and, quite possibly, kicks you off of the rodent wheel. NO longer are you running in circles trying to please someone? The NO allows you to step off the wheel and decide whether you are pleased or not. The NO shatters assumptions and creates new dialogue…usually dialogue that the other person doesn’t resonate with due to the lack of them being at the center of it. The dialogue that transmits how important you are to yourself…and dialogue that becomes a true self-compassionate movement towards listening to your own wants and needs.
We spend so much time as humans wanting to be accepted, valued and loved by others. By saying NO, we essentially jump off the cliff and prove that we accept and value and love ourselves. You are important and beautiful and a well of love! Your opinions, desires, and dreams DO matter…really, they do! NO is the beginning of creating a self-compassionate life. Give your human being a big break. You are more than someone else’s opinion of you. Self-compassion is about putting our SELF first. Finding the center of our SELF. We owe no one anything. We only owe ourselves the opportunity to become ourselves, fully and completely.